Solomon's Trip to New York: By the Numbers
1: number of penises I inadvertently touched that weren't mine
2: number of subway tunnel rats seen
3: number of distinct colors of turds that I dropped in one sitting
4: number of gay hobos I've seen making out in the middle of the street (note: This was two pairs of gay hobos, not four gay hobos engaging in a quadruple kiss.)
5: slices of New York style pizza I've consumed
6: number of times I had my ass grabbed or smacked by a drunken bachelorette party
10: estimated square footage covered by puke from this dude I saw spewing projectile vomit all over the street
15: minutes I spent carefully manicuring my pubic hair with a razor at a Korean bathhouse in full view of a bunch of naked dudes
...You don't realize until you break it down, just how different New York is from Cleveland.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
fraternity
I drove my brother from the car dealership to the office today. It's about a five minute drive, so we had time for a little chat.
Ever since I grew into intellectual maturity (read: Ever since I grew too big for my brother to practice professional wrestling moves on), though, the dialogue between my brother and me has been awkward and embarrassing at best. Which is why even a five minute chat can seem excruciating. He hasn't given me any indication that he realizes it too, but he must know. It's just that it's too awkward for us to bring up in conversation.
And yet he still admirably endures our shared shame to try to be a good brother.
...He opens by asking how my car is holding up, which has become his standard opening line on me. I think about 50% of the total conversation I've had with him over the past three years have been on this very subject, and that's a VERY conservative estimate.
"Oh, yeah, the car's awesome." Yaddayaddayadda... Then after about 20 seconds of inane car talk, he smoothly (read: abruptly) transitions into my social life and love life with, "So how's your social life and love life?"
On second thought, maybe the car isn't so awesome--It just can't seem to get us back to the office fast enough.
Normally I wouldn't bother telling him anything that he could draw any conclusions from because I'm not comfortable letting him in. So I'll just lie instead, telling him that nothing's happened. But today I appreciate his effort and decide to throw him a rare bone...
"Well, I went on a few dates with a couple of girls recently, but I don't know... I guess I'm just not really into either of them."
He then proceeds into a big brother lecture about how it's unhealthy that I haven't been on any dates recently, and that I need to put myself out there and start looking. I guess he didn't hear me.
Ever since I grew into intellectual maturity (read: Ever since I grew too big for my brother to practice professional wrestling moves on), though, the dialogue between my brother and me has been awkward and embarrassing at best. Which is why even a five minute chat can seem excruciating. He hasn't given me any indication that he realizes it too, but he must know. It's just that it's too awkward for us to bring up in conversation.
And yet he still admirably endures our shared shame to try to be a good brother.
...He opens by asking how my car is holding up, which has become his standard opening line on me. I think about 50% of the total conversation I've had with him over the past three years have been on this very subject, and that's a VERY conservative estimate.
"Oh, yeah, the car's awesome." Yaddayaddayadda... Then after about 20 seconds of inane car talk, he smoothly (read: abruptly) transitions into my social life and love life with, "So how's your social life and love life?"
On second thought, maybe the car isn't so awesome--It just can't seem to get us back to the office fast enough.
Normally I wouldn't bother telling him anything that he could draw any conclusions from because I'm not comfortable letting him in. So I'll just lie instead, telling him that nothing's happened. But today I appreciate his effort and decide to throw him a rare bone...
"Well, I went on a few dates with a couple of girls recently, but I don't know... I guess I'm just not really into either of them."
He then proceeds into a big brother lecture about how it's unhealthy that I haven't been on any dates recently, and that I need to put myself out there and start looking. I guess he didn't hear me.
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