Solomon: i dropped a gray turd today. that was weird
Steph: gray?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Solomon: yeah. and i can't remember what i ate to make it gray
Steph: is that even possible?
Solomon: i'm thinking maybe it was just some shit (pun intended) that, for some reason, has been in there for a really long time and it got dusty
Steph: while your theory has merit.... i am going to have to say that it's NOT dust
Solomon: i don't know. i think i've been through the male anal version of menopause. it's as arid as a desert in there
Steph: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WTF?!???
Solomon: that was pretty clever. i should write that down
Steph: you definitely should
Solomon: why don't i just copy and paste it to my blog...
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
misfortune
Is it just me, or is Bob and Michelle's baby the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your entire life too?
What??? I don't know what I'm saying!
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
adaptation
I've now gone four days without running water now. Apparently, we're not that high on the list of the water company's priorities. Here's a list of things I've had to do to adapt to the situation...
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...
- driven to Kroger to make a stinkie in their toilet
- showed up at work smelling like ass
- taken a shower and brushed my teeth at John's place
- taken a shower and brushed my teeth at YiFei's place
- sucked on month old ice cubes instead of drinking water
- peed on bushes in the back yard
- peed on bushes in the neighbors' back yard
- not washed my clothes
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
impressions
All indications point to the lab manager and store manager being pretty pleased with my work so far, and I really need to keep it up because other stuff that I do doesn't bode well. If it weren't enough that I dress like a slob, leave early if the job is done early, this happened today...
I was listening to a little Ice Cube on my iPod today while making glasses, which is yet another problem. But I'm really into Ice Cube and lost myself in his soothing melodies this afternoon, so I started singing along. Not just singing it, but belting it. There's really no other way to sing along to Ice Cube, as he hits those rhymes with a type of force that says "kiss my ass." But I'm rhyming along with Cube and I didn't notice the store manager walk in as I belted out, "I got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night."
Oops.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
I was listening to a little Ice Cube on my iPod today while making glasses, which is yet another problem. But I'm really into Ice Cube and lost myself in his soothing melodies this afternoon, so I started singing along. Not just singing it, but belting it. There's really no other way to sing along to Ice Cube, as he hits those rhymes with a type of force that says "kiss my ass." But I'm rhyming along with Cube and I didn't notice the store manager walk in as I belted out, "I got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night."
Oops.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
disparity
I asked my coworker if he'd heard about the lady who called 911 three times when McDonald's didn't have Chicken McNuggets. He said he hadn't, so I told him the story, laughing about it as I did...
coworker: [serious face] Well what was she SUPPOSED to do?
Solomon: ...
coworker: ...
Solomon: Ha ha ha! Y...You serious?
coworker: Yeah.
Solomon: ...NOT call 911, that's for sure. I don't know, call the police station?
coworker: Man, 911 is just a direct line to the police... Shit, if McDonald's took my dolla, I'D call 911.
What I WANTED to say at this point was, "Who the fuck was your D.A.R.E. officer who told you that it's okay to call 911 when it's not an emergency?" But this guy looks like a more jacked version of Michael Vick, so I didn't say anything. They really aren't kidding when they talk about the disparity between the education that black people get and the education that the rest of us get.
Today I found out that the ant.com toolbar add on for Firefox, which I use to save youtube videos to my hard drive can also be used to save streaming porn and I started thinking about which girls I would be putting on my "Boner Jams '09" mix tape. I won't get into too much detail, but I will say this: I'm really into spicy Latinas right now.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
coworker: [serious face] Well what was she SUPPOSED to do?
Solomon: ...
coworker: ...
Solomon: Ha ha ha! Y...You serious?
coworker: Yeah.
Solomon: ...NOT call 911, that's for sure. I don't know, call the police station?
coworker: Man, 911 is just a direct line to the police... Shit, if McDonald's took my dolla, I'D call 911.
What I WANTED to say at this point was, "Who the fuck was your D.A.R.E. officer who told you that it's okay to call 911 when it's not an emergency?" But this guy looks like a more jacked version of Michael Vick, so I didn't say anything. They really aren't kidding when they talk about the disparity between the education that black people get and the education that the rest of us get.
Today I found out that the ant.com toolbar add on for Firefox, which I use to save youtube videos to my hard drive can also be used to save streaming porn and I started thinking about which girls I would be putting on my "Boner Jams '09" mix tape. I won't get into too much detail, but I will say this: I'm really into spicy Latinas right now.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Salmgpven
I've been in Washington for three days on what I guess you could call a "special assignment" for FHI Heat, and when I say "special" I mean a retard could be doing this.
On my first day, I went to the receptionist to let them know who I am and whom I was there to see. She asked me what my name is as she was picking up the phone to page Mr. Gurley and I told her "Solomon Kim."
"Is that spelled S-A-L-M-G-P-V-E-N?" she asked, or something equally egregious. She had butchered it so badly and I figured she was just confirming so that she could tell Mr. Gurley that I was there, and I'm here to do a job (which I'm neglecting to write this post). So rather than standing there for about an hour trying to clean up her fucking mess with this spelling job, I just said, "Yep, that's right." It turned out that she was actually asking so that she could make me a name badge to allow me access to the building. I'm coming in every day this week, and now she's become familiar with me. So today when I reported in today, she was like "Good morning, Solomon! ...What's kind of weird is that she pronounces it perfectly.
So I've been walking around Washington all week with a sticker on my shirt that says "Hi My Name Is SALMGPVEN." I don't have the heart to tell her that she's way off...
...Plus she's pretty cute (for a menopausal woman of about...60) and I think I want to try to hit it.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
On my first day, I went to the receptionist to let them know who I am and whom I was there to see. She asked me what my name is as she was picking up the phone to page Mr. Gurley and I told her "Solomon Kim."
"Is that spelled S-A-L-M-G-P-V-E-N?" she asked, or something equally egregious. She had butchered it so badly and I figured she was just confirming so that she could tell Mr. Gurley that I was there, and I'm here to do a job (which I'm neglecting to write this post). So rather than standing there for about an hour trying to clean up her fucking mess with this spelling job, I just said, "Yep, that's right." It turned out that she was actually asking so that she could make me a name badge to allow me access to the building. I'm coming in every day this week, and now she's become familiar with me. So today when I reported in today, she was like "Good morning, Solomon! ...What's kind of weird is that she pronounces it perfectly.
So I've been walking around Washington all week with a sticker on my shirt that says "Hi My Name Is SALMGPVEN." I don't have the heart to tell her that she's way off...
...Plus she's pretty cute (for a menopausal woman of about...60) and I think I want to try to hit it.
If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
soapbox
I've never intentionally used this blog as a means to pimp something, but this is important.
My best and oldest friend, Dan, has recently been involved with an organization called Ride for World Health. To briefly explain what they do, a bunch of advocates for global health care solutions ride their bikes 3700 miles across the country, and the end goal of this is to raise funds and awareness for disparities in access to health care. Read more about it at rideforworldhealth.org.
The solutions affiliated with Ride for World Health are REAL--the biggest obstacle standing between life and death/disease in these poorer parts of the world isn't knowledge or technology or any other thing that "may or may not" be possible. It's simply money, which is all they're asking for.
So here's the deal...
If you'll consider making a charitable contribution to Ride for World Health (even a small one), I'll promise to deliver at least two quality blog entries a week between now and when the ride ends on May 25. I'd promise more, but then I'd have to mail a couple of them in, and I'm not willing to compromise the high quality of the low brow content that you've come to expect of my blog. MAKE YOUR DONATION BY CLICKING THIS PARAGRAPH.
My best and oldest friend, Dan, has recently been involved with an organization called Ride for World Health. To briefly explain what they do, a bunch of advocates for global health care solutions ride their bikes 3700 miles across the country, and the end goal of this is to raise funds and awareness for disparities in access to health care. Read more about it at rideforworldhealth.org.
The solutions affiliated with Ride for World Health are REAL--the biggest obstacle standing between life and death/disease in these poorer parts of the world isn't knowledge or technology or any other thing that "may or may not" be possible. It's simply money, which is all they're asking for.
So here's the deal...
If you'll consider making a charitable contribution to Ride for World Health (even a small one), I'll promise to deliver at least two quality blog entries a week between now and when the ride ends on May 25. I'd promise more, but then I'd have to mail a couple of them in, and I'm not willing to compromise the high quality of the low brow content that you've come to expect of my blog. MAKE YOUR DONATION BY CLICKING THIS PARAGRAPH.
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