wax

Look... It's not even a debatable issue. The Karate Kid is a great movie, but The Karate Kid II is better, and I'll tell you why.

The improvement in Daniel's karate over the course of the first movie is huge, but it's like transitioning from a pee wee football player to a JV stud. Perfection of the crane technique is an important milestone in his development as a fighter, but if there's anything that the last scene of The Karate Kid II taught us, it's that the crane technique is a flawed maneuver with vulnerabilities. "No can defense" my ass... How did Toguchi defend it? "Hey look at that, I caught your leg." Not to discount what he accomplished in The Karate Kid, but the point is that anybody with an ounce of athletic ability and/or determination could have done it. I liken Daniel's progress in the second movie to going from division 1 college player to an NFL player. To the untrained eye, the leap in skill isn't as drastic, but it's a much more difficult leap to make because it's more cerebral in nature. He also learns the drum technique--a more versatile move (it can be used for both offense and defense), and, consequently, a tougher one to perfect. There's a lot to be said for the way that he learned about the virtues of the drum technique as an offensive weapon because he realizes it in the middle of the fight--his fighting was more dynamic because he improvised in the heat of the moment to make it work for him on his first try. And don't even get me started on the fact that he broke through the six sheets of ice with those spaghetti arms after that bigger, tougher black guy couldn't even get through three.

Not only is Daniel's karate at a higher level in The Karate Kid II, but his competition is too. The Cobra Kais drew their strength from their numbers, and Daniel quickly exposes their fraudulence at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, proving that at the end of the day, they're a bunch of pussies individually. Toguchi and his guys, on the other hand, rolled only three deep where there were five Cobra Kais. Sato is also a much more formidable opponent than John Kreese. They both have craziness working for them, but Sato had the same sensei as Mr. Miyagi. Enough said. And don't forget about the fact that Kreese and Lawrence are white, but Sato and Toguchi are Asian and have karate in their blood.

The primary conflict is more compelling in the second movie. In the first, he's not fighting for anything except respect. Mr. Miyagi said himself that Daniel didn't even really need to win to do that. Just to "make good fight" would have been sufficient. There was so much more on the line in the second movie. The Cobra Kais just wanted to bust Daniel's balls over some bitch that just ended up leaving him for some UCLA football-playing cunt, but Toguchi wanted to actually kill him. It wasn't about a girl. It was about life and death and HONOR. He was fighting for the preservation of his own life (not to mention Kumiko's) AND Mr. Miyagi's honor in a fight that he literally couldn't run away from (because Toguchi made him drop the bridge into the water).

All right, haters... Have at it with the comments.

proposition

After work today, I stopped by the wig shop to see what my parents were up to. As I approached my mom, I could immediately sense from the look on her face that something was on her mind. We exchanged pleasantries and then she began telling me about her awesome new Lexus GS350, using phrases like "sporty" and "young people's car" and telling me how much I would love it. Even though I have no interest in cars, I played along, feigning enthusiasm mixed with jealousy. Of course she ate that shit up because I'm an unbelievable actor.

Then came the turn...

She told me that I need to find a wife that meets the following criteria (in my mom's words and in this order):

1. Korean
2. beautiful
3. smart
4. have some special talent

She didn't give me any parameters pertaining to the nature of this "special talent" or any concrete examples, but for those of you who aren't familiar with Korean culture, this requirement is not as open to interpretation as you might think. "Have some special talent" to Koreans means "has been classically trained in a musical instrument that is played in a symphony or orchestra."

...If I land a wife who meets these four standards to my mother's satisfaction, she has offered to give me a Lexus GS350.

Naturally, my first question was, "Are you going to give me the one that you're driving now or are you going to get me a brand new one?"

All right, ladies, now before you start laughing at my mom, let's give this some serious thought because my mom was serious when she made this offer, so it's only fair that we give it at least as much consideration as she did.

Answer the following questions:

1. Do you meet the four criteria listed above, or can you at least fake it?
2. Would you like to share ownership of a Lexus GS350 with me at no financial cost to you?
3. Would you like reap the financial benefits to be had from marriage and cohabitation (i.e. lower taxes, shared expenses)?
4. Are your parents pressing you to find a nice Korean boy to marry and do you want to get them off your back?
5. Are you willing to be in a loveless marriage (and keep up the appearance of a happy, loving marriage) for these things, at least until my parents die?

If you answered "yes" to these questions, please contact me.

Think about it...

fashion

New for Summer '08!

pastime

Still Fresh

• encased meat products
• replacing the words "home team" with "Cubbies"
• ethnic cuisine
• generic spicy music playing when Hispanic guys walk up to the plate
• rhythmic clapping with the guy who beats the war drum at Progressive Field in clutch situations
• calling guys on your team "pussy-arm fag fuck" when they screw up (add "chili-shitting" if the player is Hispanic)
• designated driver registration for a free nonalcoholic beverage
• ballparks that have shit to do other than watch baseball
• Bob Wickman pump-up intro video
• $30 parking
• Asdrubal Cabrera's pearl necklace
• sell-out crowds
• Wrigley rooftops
• FOBs at the ball game
• the stainless steel standing counter behind the Mezzanine at Progressive Field
• the disappointment on people's faces at the moment that they realize that their guy only had warning track power
• pretty girls wearing skimpy fan gear
• fat chicks wearing skimpy fan gear

Getting Tired

• chicks with bad skin wearing skimpy fan gear
• hot dog race
• Which hat is the baseball under?
• Yankee hate (unless it's directed at A-Rod)
• all-you-can-eat seats
• scalpers who ask you if you have tickets and actually mean it
• bums who chill outside the ballpark with signs that say "Hungry. Please help. Go [team name]!"
• fireworks during day games

Played

• guys playing on the name "Fukudome" when jeering the Cubs' opponents, then thinking they're clever
• tainted draft beer
• Kids Fun Day at Progressive Field
• Kiss-cam
• Flex-cam
• showing up in time for the first pitch
• staying til the end of the game
• *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP...CLAPCLAP*
• guys who show up to the game wearing Browns gear then get into a fight with guys who show up to the game wearing Steelers gear
• guys who show up to the game wearing Buckeyes gear then get into a fight with guys who show up to the game wearing Michigan gear
• Hang On Sloopy at the Indians game
• the wave
• everything about Yankee Stadium
• "Let's go [two-syllable team or player name], let's go! *CLAP CLAP*"
• kids being allowed at baseball games
• throwing back the home run ball hit by someone on the other team
• Grady's Ladies

cleanliness

Today, I looked at my taint in the mirror and it doesn't look NEARLY as clean as I think it should. Apparently scrubbing it isn't enough, so I'm implementing a new cleansing regimen:

• rinse
• scrub with exfoliating body scrub and scrubber or loofah 2 minutes
• boil 12 minutes
• scrub with Ajax and Brillo pad (or steel wool) 3 minutes
• rinse
• apply 1/2 oz. bleach using sponge and let sit 20 minutes
• rinse
• vacuum
• air dry
• apply 1/2 oz. aloe vera

benevolence

I don't think I've told the five of you who read my blog about this yet, but my new thing is taking massive dumps that pile up and peek out above the water line and then making a wish on the tip as I flush it down. I call these "icebergs". This morning I dropped only my second iceberg since I first had the idea to do this a few months ago, and I wished for everyone's mom to have a wonderful Mothers Day.

The first time, I wished for a shetland pony.

antiquity

While driving on the highway this afternoon, somebody in a van with curtains covering its windows cut me off, coming very close to putting me into a wall, a la Kyle Busch. Stuff like that never makes me angry as much as it makes me scared, and today's incident was especially precarious because we'd both been going about 70 in pretty heavy traffic. ...So thinking about how close I was to dying got me in a rare, paranoid state of mind that stewed for the rest of the afternoon... After work, Jamie invited me to go to a psychic with her, and since I'd spent the better day putting off work to think about my mortality, I thought, "Why not?" I guess I hoped that I'd find out I SHOULD'VE died, thus giving me the right to claim that I'd cheated death, which I've never done before. ...That's my idea of excitement. Not the cheating of death itself, but the prospect of being able to truthfully claim that I've done so.

So we went to this psychic around the corner and down the street from the office. Even though it's in a reasonably safe neighborhood and it's perfectly legal to pay money to have your fortune told, for some reason you have to ring a bell and be let in, like it's some sort of underground gambling establishment, or a speakeasy in the 20s, or one of those places where you can get a special "massage" from an illegal Korean immigrant "masseuse". The lady gave us a run down of the services available and I decided I wanted a tarot card reading for $20. ...Because for $5, a palm reading either can't be that reliable or will only tell me so much, and $30 for a tarot and psychic reading is just plain ludicrous. As she began leading me behind some curtains into what I assume is the "reading room" I asked if she took credit cards, and of course she didn't. ...What is this, '02? Who doesn't take credit cards these days? Even tollbooths take them. So the psychic, Jamie and I started talking about ATMs and what we were going to do, and I said, "Let's just start going toward the ATM and figure out what we want to do." The psychic, worried that she was about to lose business, said, "You're going to come back, right?" and we were like, "Of course we're coming back."

...But I'm pretty sure it didn't take a psychic's intuition to tell her that we wouldn't.

So that was my first near encounter with pseudoscience. Tomorrow I'm going to visit a holistic medicine store and pretend to think about buying something.

responsibility

I have an impeccable track record of making good choices when I'm drunk, and here's a perfect example of it...

I was driving home drunk in the middle of the night when I got a flat tire. Instead of trying to change it myself like an asshole, I called AAA and had them change it for me. Then, still drunk, I finished driving home.

...That's sound judgment.

I'm in the middle of watching M Butterfly and I have a raging boner. I wonder how this movie will end...