introspection

The following is copied and pasted (and then edited) from a chain letter on facebook that I recently participated in. The idea is to share 25 things about yourself and then pass the list along to 25 people that you want to do the same.

1. As of the moment during which I am typing this, I am very skeptical about the idea that 25 things to know about me even exist.

2. My biggest fear is not death or failure or rejection, but kidney stones.

3. I don't hate Dane Cook. Sue me.

4. My favorite activity in the world is high-fiving, but I'm not particularly fond of slapping ten. My second favorite activity is telling lies.

5. Amongst people who meet me for the first time, the ones who think I am gay outnumber the ones who think I am Asian.

6. My biggest pet peeve is rubberneckers.

7. My second biggest pet peeve is when Lil Mama on Randy Yo Dog Presents America's Best Dance Crew uses "yah" in place of any second person singular or second person plural pronoun.

8. Not only do I genuinely believe that robots will one day become self-aware and take over the humans, but I also genuinely believe that this will happen within my lifetime and that there is a very good chance that my death will come prematurely and at their hands.

9. I have spent about nine years as a Christian, about another nine as an agnostic, and about another nine as a person who is too young to understand what Christianity and agnosticism really are.

10. I don't know how to tie a necktie.

11. I used to be an alto in the Ohio Boychoir, and my voice was beautifully hypnotizing (or (hypnotizingly beautiful," by some accounts).

12. Roughly 1/3 of my day is spent listening to some combination of NPR, PRI, ESPN Radio and The Dan Patrick Show.

13. I once did coke, or at least I THINK I once did coke. I was in first grade and sitting next to one of my classmates on the bus when he pulled out a vial of white powder, which he told me was cocaine. He sprinkled a tiny bit into my hand and I ate it. It tasted like Equal and had no noticeable effect on me. This is the only time I have ever used an illicit substance.

14. If I pass 100 people on the street, I am a better speller than 95-99 of them.

15. I have stolen three times in three different cities: a bottle of hot sauce from Chipotle in Columbus, a pair of sunglasses from Nordstrom Rack in Long Beach, and a box of Oatmeal Cream Pies from Kroger in Decatur. In two of these incidents, I stole the item without realizing it until later.

16. I have never been in love, but I have a romantic side that is emerging more and more lately.

17. I once ate 10 Krispy Kreme glazed donuts in one sitting, which was 14 short of my goal that day.

18. My favorite color is yellow, which, not coincidentally, is the color of DEEZ NUTS!!!

19. I tell everybody that my favorite team is the Cleveland Browns, but secretly feel stronger loyalty to the Cleveland Indians.

20. I held a part time job as a driving instructor for two years, but have never been able to drive a car with manual transmission.

21. If I had to choose between Vincent Chase's life or Turtle's, I'd choose Turtle's any day of the week and twice on Sunday because I enjoy driving enough to settle for residual/no pussy. Although he got with Jamie Lynn Sigler, so maybe it's not as bad of a gig as my gut reaction told me when I first came up with this.

22. In my first Dance Dance Revolution tournament, I did not advance past the qualifying round. The qualifying song was La Senorita on "trick" difficulty, and I scored roughly 85% "Great" and 15% "Perfect." To this day, I blame my failure on the audio delay on the PlayStation version of Dance Dance Revolution, on which I had practiced until I could score 99% "Perfect" consistently.

23. It took me roughly five visits to New York to realize that I like it there and roughly a week of living in Atlanta to realize that I like it better than Atlanta.

24. The only places on my entire torso that have hair are the one-inch radii around my nipples. This, coupled with the fact that I am flabby, is the biggest reason why I rarely take my shirt off. On the rare occasions when I do take my shirt off, I still leave my bra on.

25. I love my family, but what I don't share with them and what they don't know about me could fill a book.

retraction

Today I watched a couple episodes of What I Like About You on ABC Family and I take back my statement that Amanda Bynes is a talentless hack.

She IS, however, a garden variety one-trick pony.

Her goofy/sassy persona on What I like About You is the same as all the characters she played on The Amanda Show and all the characters she's played in every movie she's been in.

talent

My cousins are among the world's most awesome people, and this is part of the reason why...

Casey: but i told him that almost no one gets jobs that way anymore. not in law anyway
Solomon: hey, speaking of law school, do you want to see a video of a girl tying her vagina into a knot? http://www.sexyvirals.com/video/65/Pussy-Lips-Tied-in-a-Knot
Casey: i would like to know how she discovered she could do this trick
Solomon: free time. i wonder if i have any special talents like that
Casey: you could try to do something disgusting with your genitals...!
Solomon: i bet i could make decent money tying my foreskin into a knot
Casey: probably.
Solomon: or making balloon animals with my sack.
Casey: or trying to make your nuts switch places.
Solomon: that's easy
Casey: really! video time.
Solomon: hellooooo genital trick money. hello, youtube fame
Solomon: this girl can smoke a cigar with her vagina. http://www.sexyvirals.com/video/39/Smoking-Pussy
Casey: how funny if she got uterine cancer from smoking.
Solomon: or if she needed a vaginal ring and box just so she could talk out her vagina like a normal person
Casey: mmmyyyeeello. mmmmmmi ammmm a vaginaaaa.
Solomon: mmmii'm here to urrrge you not to smmmmoke.
Casey: mmmmyou don't need lungs to get mmmmmcancer.
Solomon: mmmmmeachh cigarette you smoke will bring mmmenopause on 9 minutes soooner

...I don't know much about medicine. Does it even work that way?

inquiry

This is a paraphrased snippet of a conversation I had earlier today...

Mike: So, how much for a blow job? I mean "date."
Sol: Man, I'll suck your dick for a hot meal. ...Actually, I guess if I did a good enough job sucking some guy's dick, I'd get a hot meal anyway.

...Before you ask, yes I've noticed that my posts are becoming increasingly low brow and yes I am ashamed of it.

Something that being bored and alone over the past few weeks has done for me is put me in extremely rare form and sharpen my game to unprecedented new levels. I guess extreme starvation for social interaction tends to make a guy like me less timid about talking to strange women. Not only talking to them, but playing the asshole character and not giving a fuck because I'm so bored... It's one thing to hear that girls like cocky douchebags and respond to being treated like shit, but to experience it firsthand has really taken me aback. It's really offputting and I don't think I care for it. It's unbecoming of the women who react positively to it and I really dislike myself when I do that. Lose-lose. Maybe I really was meant to be gay.

plea

I NEED WORK.

Please hire me. I can write for you or take photographs. I'll do manual labor, or file. I'll do anything. I'll even suck your dick or eat your box if the price is right.

...Actually, I'll do that last thing for free. Not only am I not currently working, I'm also not currently fucking.