love

Solomon's friend with a new boyfriend: (By the way, I have recently acquired a gentleman friend...)

Solomon: hooray tell me about him

SFWANBF: I don't know that he's really hot, but I think he's okay

Solomon: wow, you're REALLY into him

trial (#3)

an instant message dialogue:

Solomon: so...

J: Buttones?

Solomon: ...when you gonna let me tap that?

J: Tap what?

Solomon: that ASS, baby

J: Ummm well

J: You'll have to pay [boyfriend's name]

Solomon: how much are we talking about?

J: 2000K

Solomon: I'm not really into paying for it.

Solomon: can i at least get a discount if we let him watch?

J: Nah that costs extra

Solomon: ok...this is discouraging...

Solomon: ...but you're not telling me "no"

J: LOL

J: Right

Solomon: so i count that as a win

trial (#2)

a text message dialogue:

Solomon: Hey quick question... When you gonna let me tap that?

M: You must be bored. Btwn best buy lied to me!

Solomon: How'd they lie

M: Said warranty or whatever covered loss. Lies!

Solomon: You'll forget all your warranty problems as soon as you let me get a crack at that fine ass of yours.

M: This game is lame. I prefer monopoly. I heard about some equally lame fb activity.

Solomon: Why do you always ruin my fun?

M: Ha i got a two for one jamba juice coupon you in?

Solomon: Sure. Soon as you let me tap that. (this game isn't over yet)

M: Ugh so boring. You're not even using new lines. Your game is WEAK

Solomon: Ok so I'm gonna put you down as a "yes"

M: This is a list? I'm not even special? No carnal treasure for you

M: Fail

note to self for future reference: The correct response in this case would have been, "Why would you want Jamba Juice when I'm offering you my man juice?"

trial (#1)

a text message dialogue:

Solomon: Yo baby, when you gonna let me get up in them guts?

A: Haha. I am amused :D I have no witty rejoinders for u. Is dat a werd, yo?

implication

Today I came home from work and walked into the living room to find my roommate passed out on the couch with a movie on the television and homo-cuddling with his boyfriend. I thought it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. Does that make me a fag too?

potential

Dan and I comanage a fantasy baseball team...

Solomon: Hey, we need to do something about our catcher. Shoppach's not getting any playing time.
Dan: Yeah, let's keep an eye on Matt Wieters and maybe snag him when he comes up. I heard this guy's supposed to be like the next Barack Obama.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

injury

Dan: I don't ever feel pain when i scrub my atb

Solomon: then you're not scrubbing it hard enough

Before I left to spend a few days in Ohio, I noticed that I had about quarter of a gallon of milk left (or roughly 946 ml, for my metric-system-using friends). I knew it'd spoil by the time I got back and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I chugged it, knowing that I'm somewhat lactose intolerant and that I was getting ready to spend about 11 hours driving.

Needless to say, I had to stop four or five times along the way to take shit breaks.

I had to push really hard to try to get anything out, but I mostly just sat there farting. I pushed so hard, that I started to feel tension in my left hamstring and I started to laugh because it made me wonder if anybody's ever pulled a hammy from overworking their sphincter.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

cost

Today I scrubbed my ass, taint and balls with an exfoliant and I would definitely NOT recommend it. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have this region of your body cleaned, exfoliated and smelling like oranges, but for how few people actually ever have a face-to-face encounter with my ATB, it's not worth the trouble or pain.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

restraint

Living in a region where nobody understands my sense of humor has taught me to recognize situations when I shouldn't speak my mind or even shut my mouth altogether. One of my coworkers showed up with a new, fucked-up weave that's not a good look for her, and for those of you who know anything about black hair trends, it goes without saying that it's nowhere near her natural hair color or texture either.

She came up to me and asked how it looked. What I WANTED to say was, "I can see your tracks. Whoever glued it on forgot to do that little part right there between your bald spot and the vitiligo."

Instead I said, "It looks nice. I like it."

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

greatness

I'm watching NCAA women's bowling on ESPN2 and am very discouraged to see how grim the future of women's professional bowling is. Not only do these girls lack power, but they have the ugliest, off-axis swings too.

But watching competition like this makes you appreciate the truly magnificent athletes like Michelle Feldman even more and you quickly realize how few and far between they are.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

attraction

Solomon: you're into the dudes that are a bit more aloof?
Joyce: not aloof, necessarily. but independent
Joyce: and got an edge - cynical, sarcastic
Joyce: i don't do nice
Solomon: i think most girls don't do nice
Solomon: if they did, i'd be knee deep in bitches
Joyce: what are you talking about, you're a complete asshole
Solomon: what are YOU talking about?? i'm a SWEETHEART.
Solomon: ladies over age 60 are into me
Joyce: what do you do with that?
Solomon: i hit it then i quit it.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

fermentation

Solomon: i dropped a gray turd today. that was weird
Steph: gray?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Solomon: yeah. and i can't remember what i ate to make it gray
Steph: is that even possible?
Solomon: i'm thinking maybe it was just some shit (pun intended) that, for some reason, has been in there for a really long time and it got dusty
Steph: while your theory has merit.... i am going to have to say that it's NOT dust
Solomon: i don't know. i think i've been through the male anal version of menopause. it's as arid as a desert in there
Steph: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WTF?!???
Solomon: that was pretty clever. i should write that down
Steph: you definitely should
Solomon: why don't i just copy and paste it to my blog...

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

misfortune

Is it just me, or is Bob and Michelle's baby the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your entire life too?

What??? I don't know what I'm saying!

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

adaptation

I've now gone four days without running water now. Apparently, we're not that high on the list of the water company's priorities. Here's a list of things I've had to do to adapt to the situation...

• driven to Kroger to make a stinkie in their toilet
• showed up at work smelling like ass
  
• taken a shower and brushed my teeth at John's place
• taken a shower and brushed my teeth at YiFei's place
• sucked on month old ice cubes instead of drinking water
• peed on bushes in the back yard
• peed on bushes in the neighbors' back yard
  
• not washed my clothes

I'm so over this shit.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

...and keep up with Dan's ride by reading his blog...

impressions

All indications point to the lab manager and store manager being pretty pleased with my work so far, and I really need to keep it up because other stuff that I do doesn't bode well. If it weren't enough that I dress like a slob, leave early if the job is done early, this happened today...

I was listening to a little Ice Cube on my iPod today while making glasses, which is yet another problem. But I'm really into Ice Cube and lost myself in his soothing melodies this afternoon, so I started singing along. Not just singing it, but belting it. There's really no other way to sing along to Ice Cube, as he hits those rhymes with a type of force that says "kiss my ass." But I'm rhyming along with Cube and I didn't notice the store manager walk in as I belted out, "I got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night."

Oops.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

disparity

I asked my coworker if he'd heard about the lady who called 911 three times when McDonald's didn't have Chicken McNuggets. He said he hadn't, so I told him the story, laughing about it as I did...

coworker: [serious face] Well what was she SUPPOSED to do?
Solomon: ...
coworker: ...
Solomon: Ha ha ha! Y...You serious?
coworker: Yeah.
Solomon: ...NOT call 911, that's for sure. I don't know, call the police station?
coworker: Man, 911 is just a direct line to the police... Shit, if McDonald's took my dolla, I'D call 911.

What I WANTED to say at this point was, "Who the fuck was your D.A.R.E. officer who told you that it's okay to call 911 when it's not an emergency?" But this guy looks like a more jacked version of Michael Vick, so I didn't say anything. They really aren't kidding when they talk about the disparity between the education that black people get and the education that the rest of us get.

Today I found out that the ant.com toolbar add on for Firefox, which I use to save youtube videos to my hard drive can also be used to save streaming porn and I started thinking about which girls I would be putting on my "Boner Jams '09" mix tape. I won't get into too much detail, but I will say this: I'm really into spicy Latinas right now.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

seduction

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

Salmgpven

I've been in Washington for three days on what I guess you could call a "special assignment" for FHI Heat, and when I say "special" I mean a retard could be doing this.

On my first day, I went to the receptionist to let them know who I am and whom I was there to see. She asked me what my name is as she was picking up the phone to page Mr. Gurley and I told her "Solomon Kim."

"Is that spelled S-A-L-M-G-P-V-E-N?" she asked, or something equally egregious. She had butchered it so badly and I figured she was just confirming so that she could tell Mr. Gurley that I was there, and I'm here to do a job (which I'm neglecting to write this post). So rather than standing there for about an hour trying to clean up her fucking mess with this spelling job, I just said, "Yep, that's right." It turned out that she was actually asking so that she could make me a name badge to allow me access to the building. I'm coming in every day this week, and now she's become familiar with me. So today when I reported in today, she was like "Good morning, Solomon! ...What's kind of weird is that she pronounces it perfectly.

So I've been walking around Washington all week with a sticker on my shirt that says "Hi My Name Is SALMGPVEN." I don't have the heart to tell her that she's way off...

...Plus she's pretty cute (for a menopausal woman of about...60) and I think I want to try to hit it.

If you enjoyed reading this, please consider making a charitable contribution to Ride For World Health by clicking this sentence.

soapbox

I've never intentionally used this blog as a means to pimp something, but this is important.

My best and oldest friend, Dan, has recently been involved with an organization called Ride for World Health. To briefly explain what they do, a bunch of advocates for global health care solutions ride their bikes 3700 miles across the country, and the end goal of this is to raise funds and awareness for disparities in access to health care. Read more about it at rideforworldhealth.org.

The solutions affiliated with Ride for World Health are REAL--the biggest obstacle standing between life and death/disease in these poorer parts of the world isn't knowledge or technology or any other thing that "may or may not" be possible. It's simply money, which is all they're asking for.

So here's the deal...

If you'll consider making a charitable contribution to Ride for World Health (even a small one), I'll promise to deliver at least two quality blog entries a week between now and when the ride ends on May 25. I'd promise more, but then I'd have to mail a couple of them in, and I'm not willing to compromise the high quality of the low brow content that you've come to expect of my blog. MAKE YOUR DONATION BY CLICKING THIS PARAGRAPH.

introspection

The following is copied and pasted (and then edited) from a chain letter on facebook that I recently participated in. The idea is to share 25 things about yourself and then pass the list along to 25 people that you want to do the same.

1. As of the moment during which I am typing this, I am very skeptical about the idea that 25 things to know about me even exist.

2. My biggest fear is not death or failure or rejection, but kidney stones.

3. I don't hate Dane Cook. Sue me.

4. My favorite activity in the world is high-fiving, but I'm not particularly fond of slapping ten. My second favorite activity is telling lies.

5. Amongst people who meet me for the first time, the ones who think I am gay outnumber the ones who think I am Asian.

6. My biggest pet peeve is rubberneckers.

7. My second biggest pet peeve is when Lil Mama on Randy Yo Dog Presents America's Best Dance Crew uses "yah" in place of any second person singular or second person plural pronoun.

8. Not only do I genuinely believe that robots will one day become self-aware and take over the humans, but I also genuinely believe that this will happen within my lifetime and that there is a very good chance that my death will come prematurely and at their hands.

9. I have spent about nine years as a Christian, about another nine as an agnostic, and about another nine as a person who is too young to understand what Christianity and agnosticism really are.

10. I don't know how to tie a necktie.

11. I used to be an alto in the Ohio Boychoir, and my voice was beautifully hypnotizing (or (hypnotizingly beautiful," by some accounts).

12. Roughly 1/3 of my day is spent listening to some combination of NPR, PRI, ESPN Radio and The Dan Patrick Show.

13. I once did coke, or at least I THINK I once did coke. I was in first grade and sitting next to one of my classmates on the bus when he pulled out a vial of white powder, which he told me was cocaine. He sprinkled a tiny bit into my hand and I ate it. It tasted like Equal and had no noticeable effect on me. This is the only time I have ever used an illicit substance.

14. If I pass 100 people on the street, I am a better speller than 95-99 of them.

15. I have stolen three times in three different cities: a bottle of hot sauce from Chipotle in Columbus, a pair of sunglasses from Nordstrom Rack in Long Beach, and a box of Oatmeal Cream Pies from Kroger in Decatur. In two of these incidents, I stole the item without realizing it until later.

16. I have never been in love, but I have a romantic side that is emerging more and more lately.

17. I once ate 10 Krispy Kreme glazed donuts in one sitting, which was 14 short of my goal that day.

18. My favorite color is yellow, which, not coincidentally, is the color of DEEZ NUTS!!!

19. I tell everybody that my favorite team is the Cleveland Browns, but secretly feel stronger loyalty to the Cleveland Indians.

20. I held a part time job as a driving instructor for two years, but have never been able to drive a car with manual transmission.

21. If I had to choose between Vincent Chase's life or Turtle's, I'd choose Turtle's any day of the week and twice on Sunday because I enjoy driving enough to settle for residual/no pussy. Although he got with Jamie Lynn Sigler, so maybe it's not as bad of a gig as my gut reaction told me when I first came up with this.

22. In my first Dance Dance Revolution tournament, I did not advance past the qualifying round. The qualifying song was La Senorita on "trick" difficulty, and I scored roughly 85% "Great" and 15% "Perfect." To this day, I blame my failure on the audio delay on the PlayStation version of Dance Dance Revolution, on which I had practiced until I could score 99% "Perfect" consistently.

23. It took me roughly five visits to New York to realize that I like it there and roughly a week of living in Atlanta to realize that I like it better than Atlanta.

24. The only places on my entire torso that have hair are the one-inch radii around my nipples. This, coupled with the fact that I am flabby, is the biggest reason why I rarely take my shirt off. On the rare occasions when I do take my shirt off, I still leave my bra on.

25. I love my family, but what I don't share with them and what they don't know about me could fill a book.

retraction

Today I watched a couple episodes of What I Like About You on ABC Family and I take back my statement that Amanda Bynes is a talentless hack.

She IS, however, a garden variety one-trick pony.

Her goofy/sassy persona on What I like About You is the same as all the characters she played on The Amanda Show and all the characters she's played in every movie she's been in.

talent

My cousins are among the world's most awesome people, and this is part of the reason why...

Casey: but i told him that almost no one gets jobs that way anymore. not in law anyway
Solomon: hey, speaking of law school, do you want to see a video of a girl tying her vagina into a knot? http://www.sexyvirals.com/video/65/Pussy-Lips-Tied-in-a-Knot
Casey: i would like to know how she discovered she could do this trick
Solomon: free time. i wonder if i have any special talents like that
Casey: you could try to do something disgusting with your genitals...!
Solomon: i bet i could make decent money tying my foreskin into a knot
Casey: probably.
Solomon: or making balloon animals with my sack.
Casey: or trying to make your nuts switch places.
Solomon: that's easy
Casey: really! video time.
Solomon: hellooooo genital trick money. hello, youtube fame
Solomon: this girl can smoke a cigar with her vagina. http://www.sexyvirals.com/video/39/Smoking-Pussy
Casey: how funny if she got uterine cancer from smoking.
Solomon: or if she needed a vaginal ring and box just so she could talk out her vagina like a normal person
Casey: mmmyyyeeello. mmmmmmi ammmm a vaginaaaa.
Solomon: mmmii'm here to urrrge you not to smmmmoke.
Casey: mmmmyou don't need lungs to get mmmmmcancer.
Solomon: mmmmmeachh cigarette you smoke will bring mmmenopause on 9 minutes soooner

...I don't know much about medicine. Does it even work that way?

inquiry

This is a paraphrased snippet of a conversation I had earlier today...

Mike: So, how much for a blow job? I mean "date."
Sol: Man, I'll suck your dick for a hot meal. ...Actually, I guess if I did a good enough job sucking some guy's dick, I'd get a hot meal anyway.

...Before you ask, yes I've noticed that my posts are becoming increasingly low brow and yes I am ashamed of it.

Something that being bored and alone over the past few weeks has done for me is put me in extremely rare form and sharpen my game to unprecedented new levels. I guess extreme starvation for social interaction tends to make a guy like me less timid about talking to strange women. Not only talking to them, but playing the asshole character and not giving a fuck because I'm so bored... It's one thing to hear that girls like cocky douchebags and respond to being treated like shit, but to experience it firsthand has really taken me aback. It's really offputting and I don't think I care for it. It's unbecoming of the women who react positively to it and I really dislike myself when I do that. Lose-lose. Maybe I really was meant to be gay.

plea

I NEED WORK.

Please hire me. I can write for you or take photographs. I'll do manual labor, or file. I'll do anything. I'll even suck your dick or eat your box if the price is right.

...Actually, I'll do that last thing for free. Not only am I not currently working, I'm also not currently fucking.