proposition

After work today, I stopped by the wig shop to see what my parents were up to. As I approached my mom, I could immediately sense from the look on her face that something was on her mind. We exchanged pleasantries and then she began telling me about her awesome new Lexus GS350, using phrases like "sporty" and "young people's car" and telling me how much I would love it. Even though I have no interest in cars, I played along, feigning enthusiasm mixed with jealousy. Of course she ate that shit up because I'm an unbelievable actor.

Then came the turn...

She told me that I need to find a wife that meets the following criteria (in my mom's words and in this order):

1. Korean
2. beautiful
3. smart
4. have some special talent

She didn't give me any parameters pertaining to the nature of this "special talent" or any concrete examples, but for those of you who aren't familiar with Korean culture, this requirement is not as open to interpretation as you might think. "Have some special talent" to Koreans means "has been classically trained in a musical instrument that is played in a symphony or orchestra."

...If I land a wife who meets these four standards to my mother's satisfaction, she has offered to give me a Lexus GS350.

Naturally, my first question was, "Are you going to give me the one that you're driving now or are you going to get me a brand new one?"

All right, ladies, now before you start laughing at my mom, let's give this some serious thought because my mom was serious when she made this offer, so it's only fair that we give it at least as much consideration as she did.

Answer the following questions:

1. Do you meet the four criteria listed above, or can you at least fake it?
2. Would you like to share ownership of a Lexus GS350 with me at no financial cost to you?
3. Would you like reap the financial benefits to be had from marriage and cohabitation (i.e. lower taxes, shared expenses)?
4. Are your parents pressing you to find a nice Korean boy to marry and do you want to get them off your back?
5. Are you willing to be in a loveless marriage (and keep up the appearance of a happy, loving marriage) for these things, at least until my parents die?

If you answered "yes" to these questions, please contact me.

Think about it...