evolution

So, there's this girl that I'm into recently... A few nights ago, she and I went out for a walk and took a breather near a kiosk that sells perfume. We sat on a bench facing toward the stand, she lit a cigarette and started ranting about her favorite perfume, which, due to its limited and now ceased run, is increasingly difficult to get. With a hint of hopelessness in her tone, she expressed doubt that this perfume stand had what she wanted, but after she finished her cigarette, we went over for a look anyway, and they did have it--two bottles of it, in fact. She bought them both without hesitation, then skipped away from the stand with possibly the biggest smile I've ever seen on anyone's face.

By the way, the perfume makes her smell awesome--like a REALLY fancy hooker. I mean REALLY fancy. Like fancier than Heidi Fleiss caliber, if that's possible. But I digress...

My moments of happiness are pretty much always superficial if not completely phony, but the shear happiness that she was beaming in that moment made me genuinely happy for the first time in longer than I can remember. What you need to understand about me to understand my point here, is that in my heart of hearts, I'm a self-centered asshole who has never co-opted another person's happiness (or any other emotion) for my own.

...But I did for her, in this particular moment, and it was real. That has to mean something. Truthfully, though, I don't know what that is. I guess the easiest conclusion to draw would be that maybe this is a very special girl. Maybe I'm undergoing some sort of personal transformation. Maybe it's a combination both of those things. Maybe it's something altogether different. I'm in unfamiliar territory, which is to say that I have no understanding of my emotions because I've been an empty shell for so long. And so while it was a happy moment, in an odd way, it was also a chilling one for me.

It gets more fucked up though...

I guess the experience must have jarred something loose in my head. After we parted ways, I went to my room and turned on SportsCenter just in time to see highlights of a game that the Indians had lost earlier that day. They lost in the same fashion that they've been losing all season, which has led to increasing frustration for me over the last few months. On any other night, I would've just dropped an F bomb and moved on. But instead, on this night, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo.

What's happening to me?